After having snarked my way through the entire first movie, “Twilight”, with just my wife to share my pain, I decided to share a bit more…expansively?…with the Intarwebs. Randy, Sheryl, Ger and I set up camp at the Castle and plodded our way through the flick while I live-tweeted my snark. The result is what is found below posted—in order—with time stamps based on movie-start (so that, if you happened to be a masochist, you could follow along).

Oh, my mini review? It sucked. It sucked only marginally less than did the first movie, which is like saying the Spanish Inquisition sucked less than the Crusades, because of the classy red hats (clearly, my knowledge of history is plucked straight from Monty Python, so please don’t confuse me by supplying corrections.) This movie sucked in a way that only another movie that closely adheres to a book that sucks could suck. It sucks in epic, painful, and entirely unfunny ways. Even if it were a sucky B-movie, I could stand watch again with friends to mock…I am unlikely to ever give this movie such treatment. It is more than it deserves. It is decidedly not good. I give it 13 thumbs down. Even if it were reshot with Kristen Stewart nude throughout, it would not be watchable.

Okay, the last bit is uncalled for…I would totally watch that. I love your Kristen Stewart, you and your emotionless face. I forgive you.

Anyway…without further ado, let’s get to the tweets:

• -018m — “New Moon” live tweeting starts in about 5 minutes…if you are worried about the spam, I’d unfollow me for about the next 2 hours…
• -016m — Oh look, Edward Cullins is in another movie…but in this one, he’s going to play a morose cool guy with just-woke-up hair.
• -015m — I realize that the actor ‘s actual name is Robert Pattinson, but if he’s gonna keep reusing the same character, I’m gonna reuse the name…
• -011m — Twilight fans…you can gauge what the studios think of you by the previews before your flick. The studios clearly think you’re retarded.
• -010m — I still want to touch Vanessa Hudgens inappropriately. BandSlam for the win.
• -006m — @BaDawnKDonk John Malkovich is “John Malkovich”, since he just plays himself in every movie. I don’t think he’s even aware he’s on set.
• -003m — Now that I’ve found out that Forks is a real place, I want to go there and punch every single one of them in the face. They should suffer.
• 000m — THE MOVIE BEGINS (This isn’t a tweet, just a note of interest)
• 001m — I shall, at least, enjoy Bella’s tits. She’s 18 right? Oh god, I hope she’s 18.
• 002m — Get it? Gollum over there is future-you, Bella. Sparkly Vampire, my precious.
• 003m — Bella came dangerously close to a second expression there. I have high hopes she can pull it off this movie!
• 004m — Oh good, Edward Cullen is one of those fucks that parks across multiple spots…like I didn’t hate him already…
• 006m — Hey Jake…nice mullet! Most..obvious…wig…evar! Dream catcher, pale faces, vague native American racism at its finest!
• 008m — Blue Steel is back!!!!! I adore Jasper’s only look. Wait, I’m sensing a theme…and it’s not “acting”
• 012m — I have a drinking game for you…drink once for every 50 times Edward blinks. You will all die during the Romeo and Juliet scene…
• 012m — “Vampires have laws?”…”Only one: Be FAAAAABULOUS”
• 014m — New Moon: Budget for actors = 20%…budget for gold contacts = 80% Great choice.
• 016m — As pointed out by @RandyTheRandom points out…any drinking game for New Moon ends in his death. Any good one at least.
• 018m — I wonder how much it saved to entirely recycle the “Blue Steel tries to drink Bella’s blood” scene from Twilight? A lot I bet…
• 019m — “You can’t protect me from everything”…Hon, he can’t even protect you from him throwing you through glass for funsies.
• 020m — Dude, I’ve seen gay guys kiss women with less pained an expression than Pattinson just adopted. Way to put those rumors to rest.
• 023m — As morose as this movie is so far, it is important to realize that we haven’t even hit “depressed Bella” yet. Time for the cutting to start.
• 024m — “I don’t WANT you to come”…you cannot imagine how often I have thought that, but I’ve never had the balls to say it out loud. Sorry Ger!
• 026m — “Promise me something, don’t do anything reckless”…you know, like DATING A FUCKING VAMPIRE!
• 028m — Judging by her current facial expression, Edward leaving makes her have to poop. (Courtesy of Ger)
• 029m — Way to abandon her in the wilderness without a compass, knife, or vampire protector. Time for Bella to collapse into a useless pile.
• 030m — (The moral of the story, young ladies, is you are nothing without your man…you should go ahead and die)
• 031m — Why does nobody ask why she was brought back by a naked Indian? Umm, we’re gonna need a rape kit over here!
• 032m — Three months without a clothing (or facial expression) change. Kudos. That is depression at its finest! Your emo is impressive!
• 033m — “My pain is the only reminder that you were real”..wasn’t that written by Ian Curtis?
• 034m — All email addresses in Sparkleponyland are name@me.com. That seems reasonable, GMail is probably not emo friendly enough.
• 046m — Bella’s dad acts like Bella emotes.
• 048m — Playing Red-light, Green-light with the ghost of your boyfriend is probably not a sign of “sanity”
• 049m — Okay, I don’t want to victim blame here…but she might be literally, actually asking to be raped.
• 050m — Sooo, what was Bella’s friend’s name again? Clumsy Exposition?
• 052m — “I don’t really like music anymore”…Emo: you’re doing it wrong! (Courtesy of @Sheryl67)
• 054m — The sysadmin at me.com has to be dangerously close to adding Bella to the spam blacklist by now…
• 057m — Okay, perhaps Jake could sell back some of his tooth whitening strips for a haircut.
• 060m — Hey Edward, perhaps distracting her while she is careening out of control on a motorcycle isn’t the best way to keep her safe.
• 062m — “It’s just a little blood, here, let me whip my shirt off”…thin excuse dude…having seen your pecs, I don’t blame you; my panties are wet
• 062m — Did her schoolmate just offer her a “protein injection”?
• 063m — Who came up with these movie names? “Love spelled backwards is love”? “Face punch”? Seriously?
• 064m — It is very bad form to bring a date to your date…unless you’re scrapping for a nerd-stud threesome
• 066m — “Someone who laughs at the gore that makes lesser men vomit”…like serial killers?
• 070m — Suddenly buff? Check. Random bouts of anger? Check. Check the badger from Narnia for steroids.
• 072m — Nice job Jake…you lost your wig somewhere on set, and now you have to have a fake haircut until you find it.
• 074m — Nothing say love like thinly veiled threats of violence. Xoxo, I’m gonna punch you in the face
• 075m — Oh, more sparkly Edward, who shall henceforth be named Sparklebiter Pony.
• 078m — If I were Bella, I might get a bit of a complex about being constantly described in food terms. Delicious, mouthwatering, meat sack.
• 079m — “I saw them, they are NOT bears”…no, Bella, they’re the beavers from Narnia.
• 081m — “You have no idea how tight I’m bound”…judging from the fact that she can’t look up from your pecs, I’d say she knows, Jake.
• 084m — Way to juke past the wheelchair bound guy, you insensitive bitch!
• 085m — I wish to god Mr Tumnus would show up and lull these wolves to sleep so they’ll stop fighting…
• 088m — Try not to call Two-Face “the wolf girl”, it is insensitive…like smacking a frickin werewolf
• 091m — “We chased her all the way to the Canadian border”…and if it weren’t for DHS, we might have had her, eh?
• 094m — The soundtrack for this movie exists in the overlap in the Venn diagram where dub-step and Joy Division meet
• 098m — Even unconscious, Bella maintains her one facial expression…now THAT is acting! Wait, not it’s not…
• 102m — Ohhh, the old “I smell a vampire” ploy, distant cousin to the “I think we’re out of gas” ploy…well played Jake
• 106m — “I had to see that you were safe”…by giving her plenty of time to be killed first? Not much of a strategist, there…eh?
• 110m — The most presumptuous part of this thing is the hamhanded way that they drew the parallels to Romeo and Juliet. Very Shakespearean, this.
• 112m — We can’t call..we can’t send a message…the only way to solve this is to road trip to Italy and put Bella in harm’s way!
• 116m — Noooo, Sparklebiter, don’t do it! Seriously, put your shirt back on, you are frickin disgusting. Ugliest…my little pony…evar!
• 118m — “It doesn’t make sense that you’d love me, I’m nothing”…Steph Meyer, reinforcing the abused woman archetype as heavily as possible!
• 121m — My math was wrong earlier…Acting 19%…Contacts 80%…Makeup 1%… but they clearly didn’t spend that whole 1% on makeup artists…or any
• 122m — Apparently the lead vampire is Hecubus from Kids in the Hall. Good casting choice. EVIL!!
• 125m — They sized each actor’s contact lenses by acting ability. Dakota Fanning’s are huge. Kristen Stewart has none.
• 129m — Fear not, Sparklebiter’s lipstick is back in full effect! I was worried until now…
• 132m — They have definitely done their best to make Robert Pattinson into the new James Dean. A sparkly, whiney, emo, morose James Dean.
• 133m — Come to think of it, I don’t think they have ever seen a James Dean flick…
• 136m — I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Team Jacob? Team Edward? How about Team Bella-gets-some-self-esteem-and-dumps-them-both?
• 138m — I have to hand it to them, they did manage to make a CGI wolf convey emo…that’s something I guess.
• 138m — Team Acting-School?
• 143m — Aaand…we’re done. Left with the “cliff hanger” of “will the chick who has been Edward’s pathetic shadow say yes to his proposal?”…ponder
• 162m — One final New Moon note…don’t bother with the movie, just watch this: http://short.to/23gso(Courtesy of @docah)